Not a farewell...

Over the last 3 years, my character Zylia has grown tremendously within Vana'diel. But all games come to an end. All of them have a finishing point. FFXI is created to have stories end, but the journey never ceases.

In the last 3 years I've given up a lot of opportunities and caused problems within multiple areas of my life. Because of this, last week I decided that when presented with the opportunity to resolve all of my problems, that I step away from the game and move on.

In the next few weeks I will be cancelling my Content ID and I will be moving out *hopefully* to an apartment with someone very dear to me. Over the years i've had multiple people trying to tell me that the source of my depression and unhappiness was the game, but in reality the game was putting over a false veil of happiness, while I turned a blind eye to the world around me crumbling.

The game in recent times has become a source of drama and stress, originating when Rsouljah left the game, and continuing and heightening when Anaeran attempted to pin me as the reason for him quitting. The guy never liked the game. One job to 75, underequipped. He found more joy in putting the people together than playing it. The hatred and drama he attempted to pin me with really made me ask myself 'Why am I putting up with this game and this kind of drama in my life?' I let this game take over my life and now that I haven't played it for almost a week, I feel so much more happy and content with how things are going.

This game is a drug. It is an addiction...
Addiction is a chronic disorder proposed to be precipitated by a combination of genetic, biological/pharmacological and social factors. Addiction is characterized by the repeated use of substances or behaviors despite clear evidence of morbidity secondary to such use.

Final fantasy puts you into a social world in which you can earn money, benefit, prosper. Real life puts you in a social world where you can earn money, benefit, prosper... the problem with Final Fantasy, is one day, everything you work hard on and try to obtain will one day disappear. Friends from across the country will become lesser friends as you leave the game. The friends in game wont come to your wedding, wont be there for you when you have a problem. Can't house you if you get kicked out of your apartment. Can't go to a bar or movie with you. They can't go on a vacation with you. They can't travel to a nearby town. They can't pick you up if your car breaks down.

The social ties in Final Fantasy is what makes it addicting. The storyline of the game wholeheartedly is not that impressive. The interaction and group work is outstanding however.

Someone told me they didn't understand how it could become so addicting. I compare it to people who go to college parties all week instead of studying. They thrive off the social interaction, the feeling of belonging, the comfort and fun they get. FF wraps up all of that into a square room where the most you need to do is eat sleep and use the bathroom.

I'm not leaving FFXI because I want to. I love the game, theres so much I haven't achieved, theres events I've wanted to do, fights I've wanted to do, gear I've wanted for well over a year. I led a Dynamis shell for over a year and the time flew by. I'm leaving the game because there are things more important that I need to place a priority on in my life.

My advice to anyone looking to play FFXI... don't bind yourself to events. One of my biggest problems in the game would be that I would handcuff myself to the schedule. Not everyone does it but it can be a serious problem. Its what caused my relationship to suffer. It caused problems with my parents and sibling. There is a reason that the warning screen comes up before you enter the game. I remember when i first played it, I took a screenshot and showed my good friend and we laughed about it.

That warning is there for a reason. Don't ignore it.

With that said I will not say goodbye to my friends, but I will ask that you contact me with your AOL/MSN/Yahoo! screennames or emails. My biggest problem in quitting is that I'm scared I wont ever talk to you all again. I will still keep the internet and AIM and I will check up on the forums. But I think as far as the game goes, Zylia's spent her time in Vana'diel long enough. She was a good thief, a damned good black mage, with talents in other areas of magery.

I'm going to miss Zylia alot and miss interacting with everyone. I will still be reachable however, be it IM or email and I will keep in touch.

You guys have made these last three years absolutely unbelievable and brought me so much happiness. I'm 21 years old now and I just can't bind myself to this game any longer. It's liberating to step away from it and smile.

~Zylia

Rising up from the tulmult

This is my final fantasy blog and as such I will speak my mind on the recent events within my linkshell.

During the month of December to the month of January, I basically powerleveled my WHM staticing with Anaeran and Wakmidget, picking up anyone within the level range as we leveled. We worked on AF quests together, picked up a few close friends (a Japanese BLU named Fley was one of our almost static members lol). It was fun times. I'd melee and get picked on, but I was having fun with it. I built the parties most of the time. Things were easy when forming a party with a healer a tank and a refresh build into the core. When Wakmidget quit the static because of money things began to get hard. We had to spend extra time finding refreshes. A few parties I knew I could go without one, but my paladin was getting frustrated with the inability to have massive amounts of MP to hold hate with in a party. It caused a few serious stressing moments. One time I was told I could no longer form the parties because I would try to make do with two mages instead of aa refresh. This point of stress led to longer party formations and less progress ultimately.

Finally it came down to a time when I wanted to xp one night with a few friends. I'm not sure if it was to get a level or if it was to wind down from the day, but I wanted to xp sort of bad this night. I formed the party and at the time my RDM was a bit high for the static, but I was a refresh. I took Javir, Moriarti and Pauge who were all around level 68 and took them too Mamook, which was beyond my time at this point. The experience was a bit slow because of this. When proposing the idea, Anaeran was preoccupied spending some time with a newly found close friend in the game, leveling some low level jobs. I asked him if he wanted to experience with us, saying I'd go whm if he came, rdm if he didn't come. I was met with a response saying that I was jealous of his new friend, that I didn't want him to level with them, that I was trying to force him away from the static. The hostility was unnecessary. That night the xp wasn't exactly that great, and after all I would still have my WHM to static with him. It wouldn't hurt our melees to be at least a level higher, thinking things will die fast. I never thought it would be that much of an issue. Anaeran came out to the party, grudgingly. After about 10 minutes arguing with me about issues of jealousy and outleveling, he almost died. A bit tempered now, I told him with a bit of spite in my words to be quiet and tank and not worry about things now that he was here. He took great offense to this, and logged in a party of 4 members of the linkshell he loved. It hurt. And I was being blamed for it.

Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I tried to push him to come unknowingly. Yes I wanted him to come level, but this basically came from all of the times he told me about how hardcore he wanted to be 75, how he wanted to be 75 before he went back at the end of January. He wanted to be up in sky tanking gods for us and being the leader of the linkshell, making decisions and defending his team from our foe as a Paladin.

That dream will never come to be. After this night, the stress between him and me began to grow. At the time I was being discussed for an Officer's position within the linkshell. I was promoted based on my ability and trust. After this, one slight problem with points which was a legitimate mistake caused me to be met with a 'Zyl this is bullshit' comment from the leader. I forgot to add points earned for a night when the person was present, by doing so, this person was able to bypass another on Haidate lot. It was a mistake that had to be corrected but no one asked me straight up where the points came from. I was met with anger. None of the people questioning points went to me, the last person to update points. Instead they went to Anaeran, feeding his anger and bad interpretation of my character. The person whose points I messed up was someone who is really close to me now ingame and out. Because of this, people felt I was rigging points. I wasn't, but it didn't matter.

The next week brings up the downward spiral of the NFL toward the superbowl. Our shell has a Ventrilo server. During Dynamis-Bastok the game was on. The entire Vent channel which is usually spammed with comments like 'clear chat guys' 'focus guys' during dynamis, was filled with people getting excited about plays and passes and talking about players and talking about the superbowl and all types of things. Pulls were slowing down, things weren't being slept properly, pulls were mistimed resulting in links that focus needed to be placed on. I got a bit frustrated with this, but the people who were discussing it in vent, knowing that I'm not exactly a fan of football, took my attitude toward the screaming/shouting discussion of it during an event as 'Oh, Zylia's just a bitch when it comes to us watching football.' This added more to Anaeran's disgust with me. I tried to rein in focus, and was once again met with acid.

Then comes Vanguard.

A post was made on the officer forum discussing how Anaeran believed FFXI, a game he's played almost since release, was lacking in endgame content and the player base was full of hackers and cheaters to the point where people like CK who have no known botters (I say this because we do not endorse it, anyone who was doing it would've been removed no matter peoples tastes for the person, if they are uncaught or unadmitted, how does CK know?). He said that the old CK he knew also was gone and that all the new faces just don't add up to the old CK he knew. At this point, on the Officer's forum, he asks us to all go try this new game out and establish an 'Elite Endgame Guild.' The servers went up the day of his post, meaning there were no pre-established players, no bots, no at the top elite groups. Rsouljah had already declared his break from FFXI for a bit, but he and his irl friends picked it up. Typhus who was a Jr. Officer of CK picked it up. Rimare who was our website admin and one of our most frequent attendees picked it up. Nyyankee who is our main Dynamis tank picked it up. Also several others.

At the time, tension was high. It was viewed by many that this was an attempt to pull the shell over to Vanguard. Me and Moriarti at the time were the only acting leadership after this, and we had only been promoted 3 weeks earlier. Rsouljah was the foundation for the shell eventswise. It hurt very badly to see CK's core being lured to another game. When we told the LS where Ana had been, they were confused and we had the only explanation that he was playing another game and had made a post on officer forum encouraging people to try it.

The next few days we try to consolidate popsets of the fallen leaders. When Anaeran logs in, I have a few words for him. They weren't the right words to say and looking back I was a bit harsh. I was met with a 'Zylia blacklisted' comment in linkshell. I typed in 'Coward' on the linkshell and my pearlsack was broken. Wasn't blisted.

Later that day, after I apparently ruined Anaeran's goodbye to the linkshell, I was told by him that I was the reason he left the game. I pushed him to leave. Being pinned with the blame also caused me to be blamed with the reason for other people not being overly upset with his departure. I was called ugly, and other fowl names that I never expected to come from Anaeran.

Things have calmed down now and we remade the linkshell into 'MaliciousIntent' lead by my Moriarti <3

A disclaimer however, I was never upset with the departure/testing of Vanguard. The fact that the members were not equally exposed to it brings about the question of favoritism and a curiousity of cowardice on Anaeran's part. Anaeran and I are not on positive terms, and for this reason it is apparent that no arguement that involves himself and I would result in anything but venom. The initial reaction against Vanguard primarily was a fear that people had that all their time and efforts would go to waste and that we would no longer be able to funciton without a rennovation. After a week or so of cooling off, people are going about their business and moving on :)

I'll take the blame for him leaving if it resolves it. I want my linkshell to go back to being the prosperous linkshell who defeated Nidhogg on their first attempt. Though CelestialKnights is gone away, the family is still there. Ninya returned the other day and with the departure of a few members, some old members are seeking us out to rejoin now that the area of conflict they had has dissipated.

No linkshell will ever be drama free. I had a discussion earlier about how it is amusing when linkshells post 'Drama-free' on their recruiting sites. Any MMO, be it WoW, FFXI, Vanguard, EQ, all of them have the element that isn't present in a console game. People, personalities, attachments, friendships, rivalries. All of them play a role in the MMO, ultimately locking into it an element of drama. The most you can do is take it, confront it, and dismiss it as quickly as you can. To let it build and unresolve it will only cause your linkshell more pain and stress.

With that said, welcome in the age of Malicious Intent (which is lead by 4 thieves and a dragoon! lol) Last night we did 6 minis, 2 of each other than byakko (fing autumnstone..) Nothing overly great dropped other than ahands, but the fact that we are still rolling, still killing things, still going on with the day to day activities makes things that much better.

This post is my opinion and my viewpoint. I'm sure there are biases entailed due to my experiences. Do not color your attitudes of what happened based on what I have said in this arguement. I looked up to Anaeran for a very long time and being bit by him and thrown to the floor caused me to react negatively. Anyone would've. Anaeran still was a good leader for CK and built a hell of a linkshell. I still admire him for doing that much, but my personal and private opinion of him sits lower than most due to what I have had to endure.

With that said, the new linkshell's website is located at http://www.maliciousintent.info if anyone is interested :)

Sorry for all the words, just wanted to get my story out ._\